Ever since I understood what was happening I have been wondering ”WHY” my sister did what she did. Why did she show me the written agreement, which she, our mom and the second brother never ever have spoken about? Which they actually countless times told me did not exist. I spoke with the oldest brother about this written agreement for the first time a few months after I had read it. He had walked in on us, my sister and me, and I did not know if he had been shown it too. He said he hadn’t been shown it then, but later on he did remember seeing me reading something about the very house the agreement was about. So yes, he had seen it, but when I asked him if he ever been told about it’s existens he told me he had been told it did not exist. Just like me. So it was quite a shock for me to be shown it, and a huge relief as my sister had countless of times told me she was very worried someone would start a fight after dad’s death over the fact she did not have such a written agreement about the house. First time she told me this worry of hers she must have been like 20, not older. Dad was in good health at the time, or atleast I thought so. After dads death my sister told me he had had problems with high blood pressure and his heart since he was in his early 50’s, which was a shock for me to hear her say as I so clearly remember her telling me back in 2005 it was a shock for her that our ”healthy and strong” dad had a heart attack. I never have been told about dad’s high blood pressure or heart problems back in the 80’s – 90’s until he was dead. So why did she first say she had no idea dad had problems and then, 7 years later, that she knew about this health issue? Very odd. It’s very alike her telling her husband in 2012 she had no idea I’ve been seriously ill, which she knew full well. I found a short mail from her about it and I was told by mom she had spoken to my sister about it and that my sister was going to call me at hospital, which she never did. Also my oldest daughter has told me about her conversations with her aunt about this issue, so she lied to her husband about not knowing how ill I had been. Why? It’s all a mystery to me why anyone would ever lie like this.
Some great deceptors of this World claims that the bigger the lie the easier to get away with it. If you are considered a ”good person” you can get away with huge lies, as nobody would ever believe you doing something so horrible. If you have been smeared as an unreliable person for decades you could be easily framed for things and nobody would believe you when you tell what really did happen. Is that the reason for all the peculiar lies? I’ve caught our mom with the same kind of odd lies. She will keep quite about some things and openly conjure up stories from the blue. First I normally did believe her as she is ”mom”. Which is horribly silly of me as I’ve caught her lying for as long as I can remember. It’s just that it was impossible for me as a small child to prove it, so I started to ignore it. It’s too painful to have to every day remember that your very own mom lies to you to cover up hurts she’s caused you, or to make you look bad and her good. She’s lied about me to people I really love, so they thought I was a bad person and told me off. Just like my sister has lied to my last godmother to make her believe bad things about me. She told her I neglected my siblings, while it was her and the second brother who was harassing me, smearing me. I don’t know why my second brother did this to me, but what I’ve figured out is that he first believed me to be psychotic and very dangerous to begin with. I think he got that from my sister and her husband who both acted very weird after I posted my oath on an anonymous YouTube channel and challenged my sister to take the same oath. Inspite the fact that my sister pretended to be really worried about my mental state of mind, acting like she was really concerned, her husband (whom she had in secret sent her reply to) had immediately threatened me with the police. Which showed me he unfortunatly did know about my sister showing me the written agreement and not believing his wife when she made out that I was ”insane” and mentally instable. If he’d thought that I was feeling mentally really bad he’d not acted like he did, so yes, he showed me with his threats that he knew I was right and wanted to scare me with the police. I replied to his threats and my sisters smearing of my mental capacity very politely and telling them, calmly, that it’s illegal to defame others as my sister both were calling me mentally ill and claiming that I was defaming her when making the oath, so I told that for dual reasons. To that her husband sends another police threat, very agressive like he really wanted me to be very affraid. He said it was already on its way, and shortly after this ridiculous hostility my husband started to get insane accusations from the US, where our second brother sat, listening to all these lies and either believing them or being in on it. I still don’t know which, if he’s in on hurting me, lying, or if he’s fooled by my sister and her husband. Either way it does not matter as he’d never admit he’s been wrong about me.
Later on he seems to believe that I am stalking someone, guess he ment my sister, but I was not sure as he only posted that remark months later on a video of mine. It was really odd as it was on my account and it’s hard to stalk someone if you are not actually ”stalking” them. It’s like coming into someones home and accusing them for following them around when all you’ve done is being in your own house. Talking anonymously about private matters might feel like a horrible thing for the liars and smearers, but it’s a human right to talk to others. I know it is hard for those people to understand that I do have some rights. So much have I understood. They are allowed to lie about me, with real names and all, without a doubt to anyone it’s me they are smearing. But I am ”stalking” them when I talk about what they have done on my blogs and other sites I am on on the net. I talk alot about this on my own pages, and whenever I do use anything close to my own name I never use their real names, so why am I the bad guy here? Cause liars do not like to be revealled? One thing I’ve realized about alot of what the second brother says is that he’s repeating things our mom has told him. She knows what really has happened, just like this second brother knows. Both of them have told that neither of them have ever read the written agreement, which my sister showed me and which the oldest brother had a short glance at after dad just had died. Me, mom, my sister and her husband and the oldest brother met up at hospital when dad died and we all went back to dads farm afterwards. I and the oldest brother shortly after went home to our families. His and my spouse had both stayed at home with the children as it was an ordinary school day. My sister and her husband stayed for the weekend, alone, in dads farm. I don’t know if our mom also stayed awhile, which she might have, but nobody has told me about this like the fact that my sister and her husband was there, alone. During that stay papers had been looked through, piles and piles of paper. When I arrived I was told by my sisters husband she had something to talk to me about and that I should sit in the sofa to do this and then he left for a long time. It was kind of odd that he told me where I was to sit.
After a short while sitting in the sofa, infront of the TV, my sister called out for me from the kitchen. She now sounded nothing like the nice person she had acted like when her husband was around. She sounded like a military officer who was very annoyed with me. She kind of scared me and I was very affraid I’d done something to upset her, though I could not figure out what that was so I tried to lighten up the atmosphere with some light conversation and joked about needing glasses, as she firmly had told me to read the paper she held in her hands. She was not amuzed by my conversation and ordered me to read without any glasses. I remember feeling really bad she was so very angry with me, but when I understood what she held in her hand I guessed she was nervous I would be angry with her for telling me for all these years this paper didn’t exist, so I decided to tell her how happy I was it did exist and that she had found it. It was a huge relief for me as I’d been very worried as this had been an ongoing issue for many years. Specially mom had phoned me countless of times, complaining about dad for saying the house was his and not my sisters. In moms mind the house was my sisters and there was no paper to prove it. She went on and on about this and I had felt quite sorry for my poor sister not having any paper on the claim the house was hers. So it was a great relief it turned out mom was wrong. Later on I’ve learnt that dad got this house after his dad due to the fact that his older sister didn’t have any paper on it, while claiming their dad had given this house to her. So the notion dad would not give my sister a proper paper on the house got quite stupid when I found this out last year. I had no idea about this for all those years this argument went on and on, about my sister not having any paper. The very first time I heard about it I told my sister she needed dad to give her proper papers the house was hers. That was when she was like 20 and I had just had the very first grandchild of my parents. I didn’t think at all about the unfairness my sister got a house and not me at that time and I didn’t until both her and my second brother back in 2011 started insulting me about it. They straight out told me it was their own hard work resulting in the fact dad had built or given them houses. Implying me being lazy and unworthy of such a great gift. Which was so twisted and nasty of them I realized how spoiled and selfish they really were. I guess I loved them too much before to see them for what they really are. Decievers.
I was raised to always think about my mom and dads favorite children first. The clever boy, my second brother, who always was right. If he ever was wrong it was only a matter of different opinions and the stupid one was mine and the smart one was his. He always made me feel so dumb I rarely tried to stand up for myself as I knew it would only end in treamendous hurt and in tears. He could be very ruthless and would always hit me where it hurt the most. I have found out that he is very untrustworthy and will spread nasty lies about me, perhaps believing in them himself, but either way, a true friend would not tell things like that to others. It’s personal matters a true good brother would never ever spread about his sister. I found that out as one of his friends told me about it and I don’t know why he told me. Perhaps cause we had become good friends too and he thought I ought to know what my brother told about me. I remember telling this friend that it was not true, but I’m sure all the other young men in the neighbourhood believed it. My guess is my brother told it to make one of his friends go off me and he sure did. And that broke my heart. I guess I will never know why he did what he did and he did many terrible things that summer to me. Leaving me to fend for myself in far away, dangerous countries, letting me find my own way back home. I was not a very mature 18 yearold and as a girl it is even worse with all rapists and everything going around. If a son of mine did that to his younger sister I’d been absolutely furious, but I don’t know if mom was. Who knows what my parents thought about him coming back home without me? I still don’t understand why he was so angry with me, just like I’ve never known why my sister hates me so much. I’ve read her journals from when she was younger and it was vile hate towards me side up and side down. Ok, I understand she was angry with me sometimes. What siblings aren’t? But that vile hate… It was just not natural. I have journals from my younger years and they are nothing like that, no matter what amount of physical or mental abuse they put me through. I got mad at them, but I didn’t spew uncontrolled hate towards them for nothing. Actually I can’t find any of that kind of reading in any of my journals. I’m sad for things, worried, but never hateful.
When I first mentioned my sister showing me her written agreement about the house my second brother didn’t seem to know there was a written agreement. He wrote like it was only a verbal one and that he knew some of it from dad. After my oldest brother asked to see this written agreement our sister suddenly agreed there was one. She made it out like she could not find it, that I must had read dad’s copy and asked in a bewildered tone ”where can it be now”. My oldest brother reminded me of that mail the other day and it stuck to my mind. What does she do there? Why does she first deny showing it to me and why does she admit it’s dads copy I’ve read? And worse, why does she imply that this copy is now missing, after I had read it? And she clearly makes it out like it has nothing to do with her. She and her husband were the ones staying over in dads house after he died. Alone. But afterwards I saw in the mail conversation we had that the second brother in the US had been informed by someone that ”we” had been in the house and that papers had been taken away. He orders ”us” to give them back and is very upset, which I totally sympathize with as it is legally wrong to take away papers like that. To this our sister assures him that I am her witness to what papers had been taken by her. But when I later on realizes that dads copy of the agreement is one of the missing papers my second brother wont listen to me. And by the way – how on Earth could I be a witness to what papers she had taken when I only arrived late on Sunday evening, after she and her husband had been roaming around in the house for two days and nights? All these unanswered questions… What does it all mean?
I was in a natural state of shock when I found out my sister was claiming never to have shown me her agreement. I felt panicked and very affraid. I hardly could write anything more to them as I was so shocked by her evil lies. She implied that I had been in dads house, finding his copy and reading it. And now I was pretending to not know where the agreement was? It was sickening. Of course I did not know where it was as she was the one holding it and taking it out to her bag and storing it away after I read it through. I remember thinking she was going to take copies of it and give to all of us and that is the end of that. But the agreement had not said what mom said it would for so many years, the verbal agreement mom had told me about so many times. Nore did it say what my second brother claimed he knew it said, though both him and mom admitted at the end of this controverse that neither ever read the agreement. Mom said I could not had read it as dad had thrown it away before he died. She claimed he did that cause he was mentally unreliable at the end. He had been mentally unreliable for many years before the end according to her, just like I am now according to her. It was my sister who I first found out was smearing my mental health. She did that in a mail to my oldest brother to make him ignore me, and ignore our second brother whom she’d been badmouthing behind his back for all this while. According to my sister and mom my second brother was ”acting just like PG”, which is a brother to mom. It’s a concept in our family, this acting like PG though I never seen him act in any special way. It’s just moms word for it. My guess is that her brother got mad as hell once at her for being such a bitch and impossible to reason with that he yelled at her. His older brother had written letters to our dad about it and I did read one of them that evening after I was shown my sisters agreement. According to his letter it was my mom acting horribly and I did understand the issues they had much better after reading his letter. My mom had been smearing him, just in the exact way as she’s smearing me now. It makes me very sad to think about how she spoke about her brothers and sisters after their moms death. She kept calling people mentally instable, psychotic, depressed and all other diagnosis she’s learnt during her psychological training and work. It’s really nasty to use your health education to harm your family.
After all the debackled with moms family I more or less lost contact with most in her family. I didn’t see a few of my cousins for years and I would not recognize a few of them if I did meet them. Mom makes it out as if she was the victim, but to be honest I know she was nothing of the sort. All she wanted was the expensive paintings. Their mom had written their names on the paintings, five children and five paintings. But the boys didn’t want the paintings and mom was very upset. The boys wanted to have the paintings evaluated and mom did not. She wanted everyone to take their painting and say no more about it. I’ve checked out this painter and some of his paintings goes for less then 50 K and others for more then 250 K. So huge difference. In the end they did get them evaluated and according to the letter my uncle PG had told them to go low. That sounds nothing like my second brother who wanted me to pay the price a car firm would take for the car dad had instead of the much less private price (25 K). That is just mean and cheap as they forced me to take the car, lying to me that a dead person could not stand as the owner of a car. I don’t remember who said that to me, but I guess it was my sister, who also said the price did not matter as I was to have the car as compensation for getting so much less financial help from dad then the rest of us. Then she put the car up on me for even a higher price then a car firm would sell it for. Or rather, a car firm would sell the car with tires and all the huge faults fixed. I bought new tires for the whole year, as there were no legal ones, and now the car is fixed so it’s totally legal too. It cost me 15 K. So the second brother wanted me to pay 35 K, my sister played me and put up 40 K for the car and my oldest brother claimed the car firm that evaluated the car said something about 23 K. He gave that evalutation, written down on a piece of paper, to the sister who then misplaced it and just picked randomly the number 40 K, though she’d said I need not to worry as the car was a compensation. Nobody heard that agreement and I have no proof of it. Guess I was conned? It’s too bad when you can’t even trust your closest family. And my sister was very close to me inspite of what her old journals suggested. I don’t know why she hated me, or why she acts like she still hates me.
There are too many questions and I have not all the answers. Sensible people might tell me to ask them directly. It would be sensible, if they were sensible, but they are not. Neither my sister and her husband, nore my second brother or our mom are anything alike sensible. At the beginning all of them knew full well why I was upset, but after awhile they all started to muddle the water, drag other issues into the mix and make up new reasons, playing dumb even. I was upset over my sisters claim she had not shown me her written agreement. They all knew full well my oldest brother had seen me reading it, as he clearly told. When he remembered that my sister got really upset for a short while and proclaimed ”it was another document”, while she earlier on had said I was totally mistaken when I remembered her showing a paper that evening. She had not shown me any of the sort, in her original story, but sat down on the sofa, where her husband had told me to sit, and talked to me about how she had lost her written agreement. So why would she tell that story so exactly, about the sofa, which her husband so thoroughly told me to sit on? Why this setting of the scene, me on the sofa? To plant a fake memory? Yes, I did go and sit on the sofa, but I was called from the damn sofa and off I went. The next morning I did sit on the sofa and I told my sister about our uncles letter and she brushed it off and did not want to talk about it, but made it clear to me she knew about it. I even think I said something appreciating about her finding her written agreement on the house. While sitting on that sofa. But I was not sitting on any damn sofa when reading the agreement, and my sister never told me she had lost it as that would be ridiculous to do while showing me a copy of it. Two people clearly remember her showing me a paper and when only I talk about it it has never happened, and when the second person talks about it it is another paper. That is the typical lie of a cornered liar – it was another paper. I’ve noticed that with my sister that when she lies she changes the subject immediately and starts talking about another matter to distract. She did the very same thing when I heard her lie to her husband about her not knowing how ill I had been. She just answered ”no” on his question and immediately started talking about something else. Her husband didn’t seem bothered one bit that his wife did not know anything as important about her own sister and he was not seemingly the slightest disturbed about her total lack of interest when finding out.
Why did he not mind her disinterest in my close call to Death? Why? That was so very cruel, heartless and totally void of empathy as you can get and he’s been at her throat for years to show more empathy. So why did he not mind her dissing her own sister? The one who changed her dipers, taught her to walk and talk, played with her, dressed her up in funny costumes and had lots of games going for her. Who cooked her food after school, took her to funny places, made her smile, told her she was a wonderful human being. Why would he think it was natural for her to not care more for a woman she shortly afterwards calls her ”mom” then to ignore such a question from him? It was bizarre. He should have asked her if she did not want to know more, but he didn’t and after her grandious speech about me being like her real mom he says some really hurtful things. She promises to give me a great time and that her husband will cook for us, if I come and visit them. But he says he does not want to cook for me. Why? What on Earth have I ever done to him? I embraced him into the family, treated him like an equal, a brother, and he now treats me like pure shit. I truly thought we were friends and I was so very happy my sister had found a nicer man then the angry, nasty one she was married to before. That guy truly seemed to hate me and I have no idea why. Perhaps he hated me for the very same reason her new husband now seems to hate me too? What is it that these men think they know about me? What deceptive lies have they been fed? Or am I just one of these people whom some grew to hate just b’cause? Though hardly ever seeing them and never ever having any arguments, no disagreements, no nothing? Just building hate cause it is fun? Perhaps this new husband has found out I have opinions on subjects he does not agree with and hence he hates me? He has loads of opinions on matters I totally do not agree with and have never agreed with but that has never made me treat him in any hateful or disrespectful manners. Only loving and caring, as good I could manage though I on occasions been severely poorly and tired.
I doubt it was my fatigue, my illness, my ugliness, or anything as superficial like that which made this new husband start to hate me, long before he and his wife planned to set me up with reading the agreement. Whatever the reason, whatever he thinks he knows about me, I have no idea. How could I ever phantom what smears and lies the decievers are able to conjure up? I have a hard time to imagine any of these husbands hating me for anything I actually have done, as they have plenty of friends and most people are not even close as much people pleasers as I’ve been trained to be through a long life of servitude to selfish people. I always try to find something nice to say to people. I always try to help whenever needed and asked. When critizised I try to tell my view without getting insulting and when insulted I try to not stope to their level. I rather walk away in tears then put up a fight as I’ve learnt it’s no use telling neither my second brother, nore mom or my sister what I really think about their bullying, when they get going. I also know neither of them care an iota if I cry. They never did and never will. My sister has given away my most precious belongings just to hurt me and she did not care. I don’t know if she was behind all the little robberies of my stuff which occured during my later teens, up until I moved away from home. I know she had friends who robbed me, but I don’t know if she helped them. I know a couple of her new friends blamed an old friend of hers after my gold jewelry went missing, and after that her old friend stopped seeing her. Instead she kept the friendship with these girls who blamed her and I always found that very odd. There is another ”WHY” for you! I wish I could track her down and ask her. I really liked that girl and I was so very upset that she got the blame, and were physically punished by her dad, for something she clearly had not done. I can sympathize with that so much as that was my childhood too.
Earlier on my sister had started a fire in the woods while playing with this friend. Afterwards she blamed her friend. Her story goes that she wanted to make the fire on the gravel, but her friend told my sister that it would be dangerous as the gravel would burn. Mind you, this is a girl about 8-9 years old and even at 5 I knew full well gravel do not burn, but grass does. I’d helped out with plenty of grass fires and was very clever, at 5, to steer the fire in the direction I intended. I knew fire. So why would not this little lost child, whom I cared for and loved since I first met her? But my sister blames her and says that she believed her since she was older. So instead my sister starts the fire in the grass. She must had been atleast 6 or 7 when this occured, though I don’t remember exactly. Like I said, we did burn grass now and then so how come she thought like that? Honestly, it sounds like a cover story to cover up the truth. Play dumb and innocent. But worst of all is that she blamed this friend of hers and if she did I’m sure her friend got a good spanking thanks to my sister on that occasion too. No wonder her friend dumped her in the end, but I’m sure there were more issues causing her to stop playing with my sister. I so wish to say how sorry I am that I let them blame her for the jewelry. The girls lied and I really could not believe the old time friend had done what they said to start with. I found the little jewelry box in their room, but no sign of the gold. Who had taken that? I will never know.
This is the story I believe my sister and her husband had planned to frame me with, as they put me up showing me the agreement: I was supposingly with or without my husband at dads house the same weekend or some other close after and at that visit had I found the written agreement my sister had talked about when we were sitting on dads sofa. Hearing my sister talking about her agreement and not finding it had spured me on to maliciously look for it so I could hide it from everyone. I believe that is the story they had planned to make people believe and it might even be some that truly believe it today. Who knows? I don’t. After I had vowed on all I hold dear, or it will all be lost to me if I falsely swear, I was immediately accused of ”threatening” my sister by someone. I think it came first from her husband and then from my second brother, those accusations. My husband recieved several very peculiar statements from my brother, alluding to guns and my husband keeping me from them or I’d do something. It was very strange and I got very affraid of my brother. I was already very afraid of my sisters husband, as I now knew he was in on framing me with showing me the agreement and then making out to everyone I was lying about reading it from my sisters hands. As I had heard her lie already to her husband about my physical illness, which almost cost me my life but I was miraculous totally healed from, I at first didn’t want to believe he had been in on the scam. His over the top aggressive reaction to my oath assured that he knew full well what was going on. If he’d believed for a sec that I was mentally ill, as his wife claimed in her response, would he had threatened me like that? Aliating his wife by treating her beloved, mentally ill dear sister and ”mom” like a criminal? I think not. He had even very cocky sent on his police threat to mom, like he knew she was totally on his side, which she only could be if she also fully knew I was not mentally ill at all. Again going against his wifes illusion about my mental illness. Those conners show themselves in their illogical reactions and behaviour.
For instance, at the same time as my sister and second brother kept saying that dad had given them their houses long time ago they both insisted on lying about the present value of houses. They claimed the market had been stagnent ever since 1991. I went and checked the index records and the truth is that the prices has risen 250% above the inflation during the time period 1991-2013. The inflation during that time is almost twice the value of something today as it was then. So when my sister puts up her house at the value of 100 K, which she changes to 110 K to be generous, seemingly, as the second brothers request she does that under the impression the house was given to her back in 1991. But that house would today, without even looking at the house market, be worth atleast 200 K. At the same time she compared her 100 K from 1991 to newer gifts actually worth 100 K now. How unfair isn’t that? But if all this with ”old” gifts of houses were true, why did they lie about the present house market? It does not make sense, unless I am right as I remember the agreement. The house was not a gift from 1991, but was to be handed over to my sister, at present value, after dads death. Not to the value 20+ yrs ago, but as it is worth NOW. If what I read was correct it makes perfect sense why both of them opposed mine and my oldest brothers claims about the house market. Why would they otherwise even bother to piss us both off with lies about the present house market? Only to pick fights with us? Neither of us fought back but opposed their ridiculous claims and moved on. Which they of course counted as a ”win to them” and ”loss to us”. They are both born with selective understanding of reality, and will ignore anything prooving them wrong or in the error. The slightest agreement from someone on an unjust act of theirs and they will join in and ignore all revelations of their error. To honestly and fairly come clean and apologies they will not do. Ever.
Which is why they both project the very ugly qualities at their target, which now is me. I am all nasty things they are, and I sure must have done all nasty things they have done and said. I have kept my mouth shut, stopped mailing them totally when my sister refused to make an oath herself and instead sent her husband to threaten me with the police. I don’t know if she knew he would do that as she had sent her mail in secret to him. I think she hoped he’d get that they were to pretend I was nuts, which of course would make me feel just as bad as she and her bully buddies made dad feel when they put him through this hell. They finally did manage to break his heart and get to his money, which was their only goal, if I am not mistaken. Why would my sister otherwise drag a very sick old man to the supermarket? A man who was so weak in his heart he barely could walk. I talked to the close family member who had tended to dad before she did that and that person was shocked learning she’d done that to him. Right after dad had his heart attack my second brother was screaming at him, accusing him, harrassing him. I tried to comfort him to calm him down, but then his rage only passed onto me, which was fine as I was in better health then dad at that time. Mom came to dads and screamed at him, mocked him, harrassed him for months after his heart attack. Why did they behave like this? According to them cause he’d married a young mother to help her become a swede, but that is just plain bullocks. I didn’t scream one bit at him, so why did they have to? They knew just like I did at the time that he’d just had had a heart attack. Mom claimed the young woman was going to kill dad, and so did my second brother claim. But what was they trying to do with all their yelling and screaming, stressing him up as much as possible? They kept harassing me about going over to check on him, not cause they were affraid for his heart, but cause of things she might do to him. My guess is that whatever she might have done was to try and help him as she’s a much better person then all of these horrible persons put together. She’s always kind to me, even if I was not very nice to her when I was helping these nasty people trying to get her tossed out of the country. She did not deserve that. I wish someone could toss out the evil people instead of the nice ones and it would be a better place. 🙂
The hallmark of these deceivers is the plans they make. They plan for decades and they are totally focused on the material, the more valuable the more of interest. They’ve been talking about dads money for many years now. When I grew up we never spoke about money at home and I now realize it was how dad wanted it. He did not speak about money. After mom and dad divorced mom said all dad cared about was his money, and just like she’d been talking about nothing but money after her mom died and she had her big fight with her siblings, she was going on and on about money after the divorce. She got the whole house dad had built for her and he had paid for during all the years we lived there. He paid for all the food too and he cooked all our meals, made all the dishes, all the washing and most of the cleaning. It was so tiny what cleaning mom did it’s not even worth being mentioned. She could take a dust rag and dust the living room now and then. She never cleaned my room and I hardly remember her doing any house work what so ever. Her job was the ironing, which she rarely did either so the closet was smacked full of stuff waiting to be ironed. She was one lazy cow of a wife and after the divorse she was the best wife ever, with a lousy husband bullying her and making her suffer. Atleast in her fairy tales. It sounds here like dad was a true hero, but he did have many faults. He trusted his wife utterly so whenever she told him to beat me up, or beat my oldest brother up, he did as he was told. I will never forgive him for that, no matter how much I still love him. He should not have done that and it’s his fault he did. It’s the one actually doing the deed who holds the blame for the deed. Moms deed is that she lied to have us beaten.
In my doll games it showed clearly what was going on in our family. When I played mom I beat the crap out of the actually nice girl, for things the actually nasty girl had done. But when I was mom I hated the nice girl and I adored the nasty girl. Whenever the nasty, stuck up girl did something nasty I would bang the nice girl so hard, and I would scream so angrily at her, and my real me would cry for the poor girl so much. Cause she was hurting of all the hate her mom gave her. As my real me I hated the nasty girl as she lied and framed the nice girl. She enjoyed seeing the poor innocent girl being beaten and yelled at. It was a game I played when really small, and it tells all you need to know what was going on in our family. It was not a healthy family and dad should had protected us against moms lies. But he’s always been too busy adoring the truly nasty child, enabling and reaffirming the scewed perspective of us children our mom had established for us. He went on adoring also the second nasty child, though he did see through her when she was 17. He told me and warned me about her. He told me, no he yelled at me, to stop being so trusty and giving in to her, as she’s nasty. He said she was a liar, a manipulator and totally obsessed with having things. She was just a teen then and she’d been spoilt by her parents and never taught any limits, so it was his own fault too she was like that. I tried to warn them, I tried to stop her, and I tried to tell her right from wrong. All she seems to truly have lernt was that I am weak and she can easily crush me due to my weakness. A weakness which is called LOVE.
Oh yes, LOVE is not a weakness. It’s a strength. Without that I’d not cope for as long as I did, but things have changed after my close call to death. I was changed. For awhile I had no recollection of anyone in my Life. I only knew who I was on a spiritual level, but not what character I was playing in this game called Life. For a moment, only a few hours, the memories of my Life was first totally gone and then only faint and vage, like an echo from the past. I was so light and all my old burdens were lifted, until the memories flooded back. I remember alot now, as they did quickly come back once they started, but they are not the same anymore. I can look back at how it felt when I was only me, with nothing holding me back from being me, and clearly seeing that it’s the different programs put into me during my life that is blocking me from being who I really was ment to be. Someone has been very busy from my early start to try and put up blocks for me and once they were in place I did all the rest by myself. I remember thinking as a teen nothing could be mine. I was nobody. I can recall alot of painful putdowns to back up from were all this dark energy comes from and I can clearly see that people around me, in my close family and also in my extended family, where programmed to reinforce this hopeless feeling in me. I remember that I always wanted to die. But something told me that it was what someone wanted me to do, and I just couldn’t give that person the satisfaction. That person or that entitiy. I have always remembered where I came from, and once mom said a comment about it as I had told her when I was two. So no wonder if someone wanted me to give it up and leave this place. This is a place of much evilness and gifts and rewards are given to the nasty. So much is clear it is so.
Maybe it is like the hindus says, cause we’re in Kali yuga, and that soon we will leave this sector and rise to a better one? I do hope something like that might be the truth as it’s such a dark and evil place to come to. Atleast if you come from hence I came. I do long to go back but I cannot go until I am done here. I was saved by a miracle and the more those in my family ignore the miracle the clearer it becomes to me why I feel like I do. To be loved and appreciated is the birth right of every child. To stay loved and appreciated when growing up should be natural too. When that is not a reality you have all you can do is to make it true for the next generation. And you can choose to turn your back on those who only wish to harm you and play games on your expense. Those do not love you. They are broken and it’s a waist to throw good love into them.
Vetteljus – meet me at Tara